july 2022
20.07
i think one of the main reasons why im writing this blog is bc i really think my efforts should be appreciated! like growing breasts is a fucking feat nd yeaah im doing this shit! wooo! like, in a not-horny sorta way i just want someone to appreciate my tits. ah, anyway!

18.07
soooooo like last month i was supposed to have an appointment with planned parenthood buuuut that never happened. first of all the provider here in town dipped?? so like theyre not doing in person appts, its all virtual. that started making me worried about the future of access to HRT in my town... cause like PP was like the only provider of informed consent HRT until a gender clinic just barely opened up a few weeks ago. but like it had me thinking about how precarious are the tightropes that these clinics are on just to stay open... let alone the bullshit they put you through when you're actually there at the office. all for what? atp i feel like i have a decent enough grasp of HRT that i dont really need a doctor. the fuckers i just the blockade between me and a script so i can pick up my drugs. so imagine my shock when they called me after i got bloodwork done in preparation for my next appointment and they tell me that my E levels are high— so high that they tell me that i need to discontinue my mones until my next appointment (which was two weeks away at the time). at that point i was like yaaaa nah. like my they said my levels were at 390ish. i didnt even ask what the unit of measurement was but either way- it doesn't really matter? whether its 396 pg/mL or 396 pmol/L, those are still within cis women reference ranges... and even then who gives af about reference ranges??? my tits are growing, and im not having any adverse health effects. so you're gonna stop that progress for fucking what? anyway at that point i didnt see it going well. i either had to comply or the fuckers would pull me off mones at my next appointment. so i said 'fuck that' and decided to go back to DIY. no gatekeepers, no spending $$$ for bullshit opinions.

of course that does me the supply i did have was going to run out, so thats when i first started ordering from united pharmacies. i got 56 estrofem tablets, 2mg, and 2 30-count bottles of vexazone. wasn't cheap and the estrofem is only a months supply, but im hoping its enough to hold me out until i can get my hands on estradiol powder. im gonna burn through one of the bottles of vex and save the other one for later. i dont want to be continously taking pio, so im gonna on and off with it just like ibutamoren.

my real plan for DIY is going to transdermal E monotherapy (hence why i didn't order spironolactone. i've been tapering off of it for the past few weeks. its working well but i definitely can see my T is up as im getting morning wood, my sleep rhythm is changing, and my hair is growing back faster. i need a higher dose of E to suppress that). im in the process of ordering estradiol powder in order to create estrogel so i can not only switch to a parenteral route of administration, but to also have enough E to reliably sustain me without constant re-ordering or doctor appointments. i'll keep lying to my PCP and say that im still with planned parenthood for HRT, and all will be dandy.

so my regimen rn is....


i'm also taking two calicum, magnesium, & zinc tablets a day, a multivitamin, and weekly vitamin D supplements (as prescribed by my PCP). once im on a high E dose, eating more, and doing more exercise i think the pio will have a really noticable effect. i also want to be on MK and pio at the same time, eventually. down the line i still want to get on domperidone, and i want to see if NAC, vitamin E, adifyline, and volufiline would do. im also interested in finding some way of increasing aromatase, without killing myself, haha. anyway, all in due time, the transition is going well right now.

17.07
i looked at my chest and nearly started crying...like i actually got boobs!! mmm yaaa theyre tiny rn but theyre fr there
not even joking when i say that mis tetas are p much the only thing i live for 😭😭 likee shits ruff but learning more about maximizing HRT n endocrinology is pretty fucjn cool and it makes me happy n hot!
one day imma learn how to extract E and testosterone out of fucking yams and me and my sisters are gonna do some real homegrown DiY shit !!

11.07
started 30 mg of vexazone (pioglitazone), once daily orally today.

september 2021
20.09
so for the past few days (~4 days), i've been splitting my 4mg sublingual into 3 - 1.33 mg doses. it hasnt been exact - i dont have a pill cutter nor do i take my doses exactly 8 hours from each other, but close enough. i find it better than 2-2mg doses, works more in line with the half-life of sublingual E (~6 hours i believe). i feel it - my levels are more stable rather tahn high peaks and large lulls.

19.09
my dream is have huge- and i mean just absolutely impossibly, obnoxiously massive knockers. this is where id normally say "but i know that's not likely or blah blah blah". Fuck that. i got this one life, this one body to dream. i said DD is the dream? nah, J, K, L, M- the closer i get to a P cup (16" bust-band difference!) the better! P! P is the goal! i will get there!

however, breast augmentation/fat transfer surgeries are out of the question. for sooooooooooooo many reasonws. its not the aesthetic im going for, too expensive, high maintenance, dangerous, i dont like the idea of a person dipping in me to reshape my body, etc.

18.09
i have to say, the best feeling part of my transition so far actually has nothing to do with HRT - its sleep. ive already waxed on about the frequent & vivid dreams, but more importantly, im cleaning up my sleep hygiene. my sleep in the past has been irregular at best, especially with my 7am class. quickly after starting HRT i reckoned sleep hygiene would be a key factor in my development. this is all conjecture, but id wager a lack of sleep can lead to poorer outcomes with hormone therapy. sleep regulates cortisol and insulin-like growth factor-1 (IGF-1), no? even if sleep plays no direct role, i find it doubtful that a lack of/poor quality sleep wouldnt affect one's transition. at the very least, its a healthy choice. i understand its not an option for many of us under capitalism. i know it wont always be an option in my life. but for now, i can, so i shall. the best ways for my good sleep is waking up and sleeping at the same time every day, staying always from electronic screens 30 min - 1 hr before bed, getting sun exposure daily, and having a meditation ritual i use to fall asleep quick.

healthy choices are just doing the best with what you have and the way your mind and body are. 'health' under capitalism is a myth

17.09
ive been thinking. i probably will not weight cycle now. i honestly do not ha e the willpower to do so. while i definitely could stand to make better dietary choices, restricting myself to low/no carb foods whilst eating during an 8hr window is fucking ridiculous. even if weight cycling leads to mmore breast growth (which it half does- only the weight gain does that), i can do that later when im well into my (hormonal) transition. doing so right now when i start taking E & spiro seems like a recipe for poor initial development + nasty side effects. if i want bigger breasts that bad ill gain weight, not lose it.

ive already added walking and exercise into my lifestyle, along with gradual dietary changes. im already doing more than enough.

15.09
so ive tried three sublingual-like routes, under the tongue, between the upper gums and lips, between lower gums and lips. under the tongue works quickly, however saliva easily pools and makes the route oral, not subL. upper buccal is by far the slowest, which can either be good or bad (low & slow?). gravity does play a bit of a part, though. lower buccal seems to be the middling route.

one thing i will mention is that under the tongue gives the biggest high. like, literal high. comparable to a mild weed high in intensity, however not as long lasting. it happens with all three routes, but under the tongue is the most intense. i love it. i hope it never fades. its sorta like what happens with PM, although with PM was not as strong as this. E2 gives the high + clarity.

im still considering doing a yo-yo diet for a few months to lose male pattern fat and regain it later in more feminine places. im thinking intermittent fasting + a ketogenic diet for anywhere from 2-3 months. not only for weight, but for correcting hormone levels like leptin and insulin because i know im 'prediabetic' and normalizing my insulin levels can help with my development. i also want to develop pectoral, gluteal, and quadricep muscles. maybe even calf muscles..?

13.09
days 2 of HRT. yep day two- the prescription was ready yesterday! i got my spiro, which looks like round tan-coloured tablets and my estradiol, which are small green-blue tablets.

taking 2mg of E2 sublingually twice daily & 100mg of spiro daily. im actually trying E2 buccally as i write because sublingual dissipated way too quick making me fearful that im actually swallowing without noticing (how, i dont know, im probbly just paranoid.) this is only my fourth dose of E2, but my nipple sensitivity and mental feel-good are coming back. erections are going gone too. (i stopped taking PM after my visit to PP. since then i became irritable, my nipples lost sensitivity and my erections started coming back).

i want to start weight cycling as a way to lose some gut and put it back somewhere else more desirable. of course though, caloric deficits aren't really my thing...

08.09
im still early in transition, but im pretty sure im gonna abstain from any surgical procedures. SRS doesnt interest me in the slightest - ive already got an ass! FFS seems unnecessary - i dont want my face to be slimmer nor do i want to modify my nose in any way. voice feminization surgery - i can do that non-surgically. tracheal shave - my adam's apple is pretty small. breast enhancement - maaaaaaaaaaybe. but i like the sagginess of being natural. BBL - might be cute ♥......?

i do want to do something with body modification. i want to get my tooth gap back. tattoo my areola into hearts, uvula piercing (if i could get rid of my gag reflex), split tongue, belly button halo piercing, lots of tattoos, and a septum♥

so... i had my appointment today. to my surprise i got prescribed oral E & spiro (apparently pronounced spee-roh? 'spyro' makes so much more sense thoguh... like buccal is buck-uhl and not byoo-kul ... anyway). holy shit! i was 100% not expecting meds today.

however my insurance doesnt cover HRT i guess, so i had to pay for the appointment out of pocket, $155. thats not including the meds which ill be picking up tomorrow. was told that probably will run me another $100. $255 for the appointment and 3 months worth of meds. hm.

the appointment itself? showed up, filled out some intake forms, got asked questions about general health, got blood drawn for labs, doctor asks me questions to determine if im fit for informed consent, i explained my whole PM & red reishi stuff (they were familiar with PM, not the mushrooms. signed forms, now im here. it was relatively simple.

blood pressure was pretty high - 144/8? going to lower that with D&E. want to lose my gut then regain it elsewhere.

this appointment has made me acutely that im going to need a form of income, employment or otherwise, to keep up my transition...

01.09
exciting news - i have an appointment for HRT at planned parenthood tomorrow. yay! its gonna be for bloodwork and evaluation i suppose. wont be getting a prescription until the next appointement at the earliest- but im happy im starting.

my ideal plan would be starting on E (oral) + spiro >> E (injections) + spiro >> E (injections) + spiro + progesterone (rectal) >> E (injections) + progesterone (rectal)

august 2021
04.08
the past few days i tried 'cycling' of PM and red reishi, partly because im worried about hepatotoxicity of taking these orally. the real solution would be contacting a doctor so i can get on actual injectable E however i havent got the confidence yet. anyway i started tapering my dose from 2000mg to 0 by increments of 500mg from tuesday. i was planning to do so for a week but after a day i felt like shit. i thought my breasts were rapidly shrinking and i caved. started again last night (1000mg) and now im straight. new symptom though: itchy breast. like, the inside of my nipple (i guess the breast bud?) was itchy. only lasted for an hour or so this afternoon.

doing research on PM always gets me down. id rather not even have to mess with the stuff and just be on E and spiro.

03.08
these are the symptoms i've experienced/ing so far:
other than the leg cramping, i dont see any of these as negatives. i can still function sexually pretty normally.

02.08
44½-42-44½
~208lbs

wow. when i tell ya i've been GROWING. it may not seem like a lot, but two inches in a month, my god. extremely happy with where my body is going. im definitely feminizing... (lol) i know im still very early into hormone therapy, which just makes me even more excited to see where my body will go. my breast buds are coming in and my nippples have been extremely sensitive. bumping into thigns actually hurts now😅

still not to keen on going to a doctor for HRT, bc i really dont wanna go down the whole WPATH route to "prove" i have dysphoria and should be allowed to 'begin' GAHT. i gotta do it the "official" route. it annoys me as id be hard pressed to say i have dysphoria. Gender dysphoria, as described by the DSM-5 is 'a marked incongruence between one's experienced/expressed gender and assigned gender, of at least 6 months' duration, as manifested by at least two of the following:
  1. A marked incongruence between one’s experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics (or in young adolescents, the anticipated secondary sex characteristics).
  2. A strong desire to be rid of one’s primary and/or secondary sex characteristics because of a marked incongruence with one’s experienced/expressed gender (or in young adolescents, a desire to prevent the development of the anticipated secondary sex characteristics).
  3. A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender.
  4. A strong desire to be of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender).
  5. A strong desire to be treated as the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender).
  6. A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender).'
and '[t]he condition is associated with clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.'

while i'd definitely say i have those 'marked incongruences' and 'strong desires', i can't say i experience 'distress'. 'impairment', sure. but 'distress'? would a psychiatrist say i have 'clinically significant distress'? i'll have to play it up whenever i see one to get this diagnosis.

july 2021
19.07
i really need to get on the real shit.

my nipples have become very sensitive now, like they're sore. dropped back to 1500mg just because i thought 2000mg was a bit excessive. plus these shits dont come cheap. bottle 3 arrives tomorrow, i start it tomorrow night.

hopefully i can see a doctor soon.

08/07
42½-40½-44
205 lbs
bp 120/70

it's been a while. i was out of the country and didnt have access to alot of food, and my diet hasnt recovered since- that changes today after measuring myself and realizing i've been SHRINKING. :(

i added 500mgx2 of red reishi and 750mgx2 of maca a while back, but have since stopped the maca bc it just makes me horny.

so im on 2000mg of PM, 1000mg of red reishi and 650 mg of calcium. need to start massaging again too.

may 2021
19.05
i've been at 1500mg of PM for 5 days now. sometimes i take another calcium tablet, sometimes i dont. i've gotten some body aches, but im weary to attribute them to the PM as i got my 2nd COVID vaccination not too long ago.

12.05
at this point, morning wood has gone away, and i rarely get spontaneous erections. my balls seem to have shrunk a bit, along with my penis losing a bit of girth. it takes longer for me to get erect, and even if i do, its not as hard as usual. if i take my time and really work myself up, i can actually cum alot harder than i was previously able to. my semen is still white, but definitely alot less sticky and more water-like. i welcome these changes as a sign of my regime working. i dont really care for penile function— if it still works- great! if it atrophies and becomes unusable for penetration- great! it really doesn't concern me either way.

no noticable muscle mass changes, EXCEPT in my arms (massage muscle gains ftw!)

skin softness- maybe? i don't know. i've always had relatively soft skin. doesn't feel particularly different than usual.

fat distribution- another maybe? if so, its too little to notice at this point.

hair growth rate- i shave quite often, so who knows.

as for the emotional, the only big thing i've noticed is confidence. i doubt its an effect of the PM but more just me growing into myself. Before the thought of starting any sort of HRT freaked me out because of difficulties of explaining to my parents, coworkers, and others about what i'm doing and who i am. now i really dont give a shit lol. if someone asks me why i have breasts or why im doing x or y i would just tell them 'why not' essentially.

the only negatives i've experienced so far are those stomach aches i get in the morning when i wake up (or late at night if i stay up) & wwhat i can only describe as a sort of throbbing of what seems to be my blood vessels all over my body, especially in my limbs. however i have experienced both of these sympto ms prior to taking PM, so im hesistant to say that's the cause.

i eventually plan to move onto fucking actual estrogen but now thats out of the question cost-wise with my nigh nonexistent income.

im considering upping my dose from 1000mg to 1500mg, we'll see on Friday.

still 205 lbs. 44-40-44. one inch for two weeks isn't bad at all. i'm quite happy with that.

08.05
another side effect i have been experiencing has to do with dreaming... my dreams have become more vivid and happen more often. its like im a kid again. around 16ish my dreams started less vivid, harder to remember, and generally i had them alot less.

06.05
today marks a week (or i guess 6 days... lol) since i've started PM, and a week and a half since i started massaging. without a doubt, it's definitely working. maybe its a lot less than i think it is, and i'm just eager to see any sign i'm growing, but i am, for sure, growing. i'm not measuring myself unti i hit two weeks though.

surprisingly, it was my butt that first grew, even before starting PM. it's a lot more rounder and fuller — my guess is that encouraging circulation helped a lot. with my breasts, they're a bit larger, but more importantly i can tell i have actual breast tissue growing, and not just fat deposited in my chest. they're perky, as opposed to how they were when i was more fat a few months ago and had breast comparable to mine currenly. back then there wasn't really any breast tissue growth, so they sagged more. (what if i didn't lose the weight and started PM...)

i can't describe it, but it really seems as if my areolas have grown, despite the fact that they're pretty much the same size as in the pictures i took when i started. but they just... seem bigger. also, my areolas (not just my nipples) poke out of shirts more. with my nipples, they may be slightly taller, but i really haven't paid much attention to their height. however, they are for sure a lot more sensitive. in the past i really wouldn't feel anything from touching them, but now, i sometimes work myself up during massages...

also, massaging is kinda like a work out, especially when doing my breasts. my arms get tired and sore. as a result, my upper arms have slightly increased muscle mass... i like that.

keep in mind that all of these observations were before i massaged for the day, as massaging does kinda plump them up a bit, but this plumping is temporary.

added grapefruit to my diet today. had half of one 2 hrs after taking my morning PM and started feeling lethargic, like i had just taken a couple shots.

04.05
i started experiencing random pricks of pain all over my body.
it started under my right breast then it went to the left, then all over my body:
feet, hands, top of my head, sides, the hinge of my jaw, knees, everywhere.
it's minor, but still a bit concerning.

April 2021
27.04
started HRT.
25.04
started working on figuring out a HRT regimen.
measured myself to be 6'0", 205lbs, 43-40-44.
started massaging. 10 min of chi massaage, 10 min of deer massage, and 10 min of massaging my butt. all with coconut oil.


a bit of background~

I started transitioning in college, sometime during 2019. I started off with a few pieces of women's clothing and makeup here and there. didn't have the vocabulary for what i was going through quite yet. i did write quite a bit during this time but out of misplaced embarassment most of my writings from that time are long gone.
my dysphoria wasn't v strong pre-transition. i had a bit of gynecomastia as a teen, and lil bit after my first puberty, but nothing major or outside of normal. i've always been a little fat.