moth confessional
thot crimes not thought crimes
this page is sorted from most recent down, so if you're trying to read this chronologically i suggest going to the bottom
niggas will ask "What's wrong?" but do not actually care about what's wrong... they want you to be/seem "okay", but they don't want to address or even hear out your conditions. do not ask me what's wrong unless you actually want to know whats wrong!!! dont just say it to pretend you care |
"U gone cry in this phantom or dat Nissan? She looked up and said PHANTOM" |
throwback to being in the computer lab in elementary school and smashing the keyboards to make the computer make funny sounds cause of sticky keys😭 |
literally the best song ZUN has ever made?? wow like he's so good |
hey siri, play Where Is That Bustling Marketplace Now - Immemorial Marketeers😏 |
yeah right vroom vroom or whatever shygirl said |
time theft is cool! just kidding this isn't theft im taking back what's ours |
i dont even care about passing i just wanna be hot :) |
i love how even after telling people my legal name @ work they still call me ma'am or miss... i can't pass as a cis man anymore LMAO |
if most people don't like me that's fine... even when i do try to mask and assimilate i still don't get liked😂😂😂😂😂 so im just gonna be bitchy old persephone cause i'd rather be disliked for being me than disliked with a damn mask on. |
it's okay for me to be here... it's okay for me to exist... |
and its not wrong for me to... be. yeah you know what? i have LOTS of needs. im needy. im clingy. my emotions swing back and forth like a pendulum and im very much guided by my emotions. what's so wrong with that? |
i am somebody. |
at least i'll be something... |
life is too short... this world has already labelled me as a clown... so why dont i be the clown that im expected to be... |
this job has lied to me about pay, about benefits, about how the job works itself... these people are not only scammers but they're evil!!! fuck em!! |
hey siri play All About Me by Syd... |
i got blasted... let's see if i can survive this shift 😏 |
i hate this job... i need to get A+ cert IMMEDIATELY!!! FUCK THIS JOB!!! |
good morning y'all |
I Aint Even Finna Cap |
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BITCH ANXIETY 10,000 - ME 1 GUESS WHO'S HANGING OUT with ** TOMORROW WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO |
*cough cough cough* oh yea, dolla dolla you know you the shit shit🙄 shit yeah😑 this the same shit you always do dolla $ign. im so tired of yo shit, im so tired of you and all these niggas talkin bout the same shit "i GoT mY CHaiNS, I gOT mY ThIS i gOt mY tHaT" - IM BROKE AS A MOTHERFUCKER. ION CARE BOUT YO CARS AND SHIT?? I'm JEALOUS nigga. stop postin that shit on instagram for you make me whoop yo ass. |
like you |
im calling this one N★ |
FINISHED THE MIXTAPE WOOOOOOOOO IT TOOK ME ALL DAY |
whenever i hear kairi's theme i just imagine me floating in the ocean, lying on the back looking up at the clear blue sky while the sun gleams across everywhere where i can see. peace. silence. that's the feeling i get when i'm with a romantic partner that i love and they love me. |
idk when was the last time you got a CD mixtape from someone you liked? that liked you? |
here are the songs i have so far, i haven't ordered them or trimmed them down yet (it'll be a 13 track mixtape) |
i'm gonna make a CD mixtape for ** today and then ask them if they want to hang out tomorrow. idk maybe go shopping at savers and then go bowling if they don't already have plans. |
i wish |
but due to the pussy navel i probably wont be able to get one :/ |
and a navel piercing and a septum for sure. maybe like a navel halo. |
the question is what? where? obviously a moth right? i'll probably get a moth trampstamp. |
i want to get a tattoo. i want to get some piercings. if i have enough money after my doctor visits and prescription costs and getting my hair done to get either a tattoo or piercing, im gonna do it. |
put too much nail polish on sooooo now i my fingernails get really fucking hot. |
like cliques are fun and cool and honestly i'd be lying if i said i did want to be part of one but at the same time it's just drama |
the cool thing about not really socializing w/ppl is that you avoid cliques... |
idk honestly i feel like i asked *l** to fuck they'd say yes |
idk im just thinking about *l** forcing my mouth oopen and shoving their balls in my mouth while tears roll down my face... yeah.... |
i guess that would make rei, gendo, and yui black too... |
if shinji was black and asuka were black and the show didn't have all these weird scenes of children having sex/gesturing like they are NGE would be literally the perfect show |
i just think about what i would if i was half as beautiful as **... like i wouldn't be able to ccontrol myself i'd be the worlds biggest hoe |
just spent $[redacted] on new clothes.... just because of seeing **... like they had THEEEE most goregous outfit EVER and i was looking like i just rolled out of bed... |
as much as i hate to say it im really like shinji from NGE... (minus the whole jerking off onto other people's unconcious bodies...) but... yeah |
i'm just CHOMPING down clones for todays shift lord knows i do not need another stressful ass day like yesterday. |
turn back time... |
what am i if i can't be yours? |
...i'm gonna go watch end of evangelion for the second time this week. |
... |
these things are the only things that get me. |
that's all this website is anyway. like my body, my face, my thoughts, my room, my outfits, my music— all just projections... or rather, instances of the being that has come to call herself persephone patchoulene. |
that's what i like about this site... it always listens. exactly what i says is exactly what it hears. maybe that's i talk to myself or imaginary people in my head... those are the only people that listen.. that really get me. |
like i can only name 5 people who have treated me as a priority and Surprise Surprise!!! 5 out of 5 those people were/are my abusers🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 |
i literally just want to be someone's priority like i make everyone else my priority |
like remember how i had ZERO friends in middle school and i would literally eat lunch in the bathroom stall because that was less embarassing than being in the cafeteria at a table by myself?? remember in high school how the people i called my best friends all had friends they cared about more than me??? |
shit even with friends i can say damn near the same exact things... like i've always been just the leftovers. |
so when the things i want in life are being constantly dangled in front of my face but never offered to me how am i supposed to feel?? just kick my feet back and say "Ah, well, I'm sure someone will come along at the right time!" meanwhile everyone i know and have known is/was going through romantic and sexual partners one after another? how am i supposed to react to that? |
yeah. i hate this shit. what's so wrong with wanting to be loved? i love romance. i love the feeling of being in love. my biggest dreams for years and years?? to get married. thats it. |
and it would be disingenuous for me to talk about how desirability fucks me over without acknowledging i benefit from it as well. i'm not darkskin. i'm a small fat. i'm not visibly disabled. i know for my darkskin, fat, and/or disabled siblings its even harder :( |
and ppl will say "oh you just have to put yourself out there" as if a. that's easy for someone who gets anxiety attacks over TEXT MESSAGES and b. like i haven't/do not already try. |
and if you wanna call me bitter or jealous go right fuccking ahead... you wouldn't be the first. |
like unless you're transmisogynoir affected you really have no fucking clue how pervasive this loneliness is. how often you'll get passed up. like thinking back some of my friends (not any of the ones i have now, i find each and every one of you attractive and i truly mean that‼) who were just downright unattractive would still get attention meanwhile i don't even get an eye batted at me. |
and before you postrate your mouth to say some bullshit "romantic partners aren't everything!!!" "you gotta love yourself for others to love you!!" or any worthless platitude (really they're less than worthless, they're harmful), just shut the fuck up. Please, shut the fuck up. |
and you know what's that like a big part of the reason im doing this music shit this DJ shit this coding shit this photography shit this moth aesthetic shit ll of this shit like maybe if im talented enough or smart enough or im hot enough someone will want to care about me... |
like i don't know i just want someone to try for me... |
like im literally about to cry as i write this. when was the last time someone went out of their way to persue me? really wanted to get to know me? went the extra mile for me? cared for me? held me instead having me hold them? |
and even then!!! even if i do actually start hitting it off with someone, i'm still treated like a man. like no one ever shows me the affection and tenderness i show them (or that they show others). like i can tell its just a fetishization thing. like they see me and just see "BBC"(yuck!). like, i have literally seen it with EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY SEXUAL PARTNERS— NO HYPERBOLE. |
like, people just see me as a man. not even a man shit, a boy. in makeup (if im even wearing it). i never get persued. i always have to do the chasing. and especially in lesbian spaces god do these nongers know how to make me feel like a creep. like some sort of predator man infiltrating spaces for pussy.🙄 |
like trust me even before when i was skinny and was cis and could pretend to be neurotypical p well i was still S T R U G G L I N G hard. now????? |
and see that's the thing— like i know im not fucking hot but i know im not ugly either... but this city makes me feel ugly. like if you''re black in this city you have to have body of the gods and a face beat to heaven with your hair ALWAYS done in order to even get looked at... otherwise you get passed up :/ so how do you think a unpassable fat black mentally ill trans woman who never has her hair done and doesn't really know how to do her makeup is gonna fare? |
not that it matters im not having sex anytime soon 🥴 i'm already on a 27 month streak and im sure to keep it up at this rate |
don't get me wrong i LUVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV pussy... but something about girldick>>>> |
you ever look at a cis woman and think "my god you would be perfect if you had a penis" |
i really wanna post some like memes about like depression and loneliness and bullshit but like i *really* don't want anyone DMing me "Oh my God, are you okay? Do you need anything?" because its not like shit is like different than any other day or any other time. like i am in a constant state of depression, low to 0 self esteem, having constant intrusive thoughts (esepcially suicidal ones), constant anger from being misunderstood 10,000% of the time and rarely understanding others, extreme paranoia that all my friends actually hate me, extreme anxiety and unwillingness to do anything from work, interacting with others in any capacity, or even going outside, constant frustration from being unable to do the things i want because i can never focus for long enough to actually learn a skill/read a book/make music or whatever, and not to forget my extreme longing and desire for a romantic partner so i have someone to depend on... to form a codependent bond with... even and probably esepcially if its abusive... all these things and more are constantly and consistently runinng and ruling over my head... that's what wrong... that's ALWAYS been what's wrong. but of course i can't say any of that because people already dislike and distrust me enough... saying how i really feel is a one way ticket to 0 friends and if i go back to being alone alone like that i would probably end things. and it just worsens the problem because i can't speak truly about anything... i have to hide my thoughts else i be condemned to solitude. i'm already lonely enough... it's a vicious cycle and i only see it ending one way |
cause like, the way i see it, i got four options: |
i do not care if i have to drink pregnant mare urine 4 times a day daily for the rest of my life. i will find SOME way to keep estrogen in my body. detransitioning is not an option. take my estrogens away and you may as well take my life too while your at it. like, i love this shit. this has been one of the few things in this life that has brought me so much joy... i love my body... i love how my mind is now... even if it makes it 10,000x harder to interact with people or do basic tasks i wouldn't change it for the world. so when my provider tells me that due to a blood test (my levels were slightly elevated. still within cis women reference ranges but what the fuck do i know), i need to stay of the E until my appointment (which is in TWO FUCKING WEEKS) i say fuck no. yo. me. rehuso. i'll do DIY. i'll pay HUNDREDS more for another provider. i'll go back to herbals. i'll steal it. i'll make my own fucking estrogen. but i will not be without. no. fucking. way. |
i love how my ADHD, autism, anxiety and DPD are synchronize perfectly to make me afraid of doing anything without constant reassurance but unable to get that reassurance from being to scared to ask for it |
i should hit up **. i have their number... they told me to hit them up "anytime"... they live on this side of town... then why am i being so pussy? |
but i figure i would never get that lucky so ill just have to actually jerk off in front of my computer for (hopefully) five figures |
swear i need to getting one of em tech jobs where niggas make six figures practically jerking off in front of their computers... cushy asf.... |
how the fuck am i suppposed to keep my blood pressure down when i have to do this bullshit??? i hate work so goddamn much bro.like im about to have an anxiety attack and for what. talking to niggas on the phone. like why do i have to do this????? why does this INDUSTRY exist? bro they got me FUCKED UP i hate this shit... omg like why AM I TAKING CALLS BY MYSELF??? I KNOW Y'ALL HAVE THE CAPABILITY TO HELP ME OUT FU yeah bro is this actually hell.... i can feel my blood pressure skyrocketing and i have no fucking idea what is going ON??????????? had my frist angry customer omgggggggg this shit is not FOR MEEEEE like i popped some bills before we started and im still stressing omggggggggg |
a year ago today i wouldn't be caught dead wearing makeup or having nails done anywhere near my parents... now its (painted) middle fingers to the air🖕🏾🖕🏾 |
painted my nails today im proud!!! |
like these assholes really buy out a third of your life for bottom fucking dollar and just RAKE IN money from your efforts all while not lifting a finger... they need to die. |
fuck work fr shits so ridiculous |
gonna try me best to get fired today xx |
by the way ↓↓↓that↓↓↓ is NOT about **... i DEFINITELY want to know their sign, i do not want to piss them off, i DEFINITELY want to make them mine... but i do also wanna get them off 🤷🏾♀️ |
i don't wanna know your sign |
said your best friend said she wanna fuck with me, know that bitch vivacious bitch give me good company |
imagine resolving to never go no contact on your friends again then IMMEDIATELY doing so again... it's me |
uh-oh! this is quickly just becoming a page for me to talk about my crush at length 😯 but then again this is MY website so if you don't like my shit.... |
but like if i ever want to have even the slightest modicum (haha cum) of a chance with ** i have to become more social... like ALOT more social. i can't be that weird bitch that's too anxious to talk to people (even though that's exactly who i am....). maybe if i pretend to be Not Me™ enough i'll actually change into someone ** would like... haha... |
yeah like omg i'm in love. like wow bitches are in luvvv. you ever see someone and just like, HAVE to look?? HAVE TO stare??? that's how i feel with **. every time i've seen ** (which to this day is exactly....... twice!) i just melt... like pls marry me i will do ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING!!!! |
Ƹ̵̡oӜ̵̨̄oƷ Ƹ̵̡oӜ̵̨̄oƷ Ƹ̵̡oӜ̵̨̄oƷ june Ƹ̵̡oӜ̵̨̄oƷ Ƹ̵̡oӜ̵̨̄oƷ Ƹ̵̡oӜ̵̨̄oƷ |